Category: Grief

Growing

4/28/2015

In this life we grow so much.
I’ve been watching my kids grow and learn.
The world through their eyes is so amazing!
From the time we are born, we grow in many ways.
The tiny baby’s eyes light up as they learn to recognize
the people who love them.
Their pride when they take their first steps, or learn to ride a bike.
The inches on the measuring stick getting higher off the ground.

But in so many ways,
even when we reach the highest point of our growth chart physically,
we are just beginning to grow in other ways.
This, of course, depends on each person and their life experiences.

As we leave the comfortable nest of our parents’ home,
and stretch our wings to fly,
we often take a few spills, or battle through some fierce storms.
We face the world on our own, or find a partner to struggle through with.
Many of us start our own families, and we try to teach our
little ones some of the lessons we learned.
But mostly, learning and growing come through experience.

As I look back over the past year, I am filled with many emotions.
I remember the gut wrenching pain of holding my lifeless child.
I remember the joy of realizing that one of my own is Home.
I have felt anger and frustration.
I have felt peace and comforting assurance.
And through all of this, I know that I am being molded
into the person that God wants me to be.
I feel like I must have had a lot to learn,
for something so hard to happen to teach me.
But I know we don’t have a God like that.
He doesn't wait, just looking for His next 'victim' that He can teach a lesson.
He feels our pain, cries with us, and knows our sorrow.
But He turns all things for good.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

The balloons going up to Skyler at a get together today that was organized by some thoughtful friends. <3

So much of me wishes that I could go back and not learn.
Or maybe I could be growing and learning in some easier way.
But I am starting to see that God works in mysterious ways.
In my own experience, it’s in those darkest, hardest times
that I have felt His arms wrapped around me the tightest.
He is teaching me to trust.
Teaching me patience and faith.
He has a plan here for me, and he’s making me into the person who
I need to be to finish that plan.
We talk about ‘teachable moments’ in regards to our kids.
Do we look for the teachable moments for ourselves?
I pray that I will be a soft clay.
That God will mold me into the person he wants me to be.
The refining process is hard.
The heat from the fire of the trials is hot.
But…

…Fear not: for I have redeemed thee,
I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned;
neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour…
Isaiah 43:1-3

I have a long ways to go. A lot of learning left to do.
The growing pains will be there, and they can be scary,
but I know that I have a God who is with me always.
May we all allow Him to work in us, becoming the people He wants us to be.
Always clinging to Him as we face the storms, as well as the sunshine.

Always praying…
“Lord, keep us safe from the battle.”

One of my very favorite pictures of Skyler, recently given to me by another thoughtful friend

We miss you Skyler.
This year without you has been hard.
But your year with Him has been beautiful!

3 Comments

Six Years Ago Today...

4/8/2015

2 Comments

Six years ago...
I became a Mommy.
I learned what a blessing that was.
I fell in love faster than I knew was possible.
I held in my hands a perfect miracle.
I felt more physical pain than I had ever known.
I felt more joy than I could have imagined.
My life had changed.

Five years ago...
I was learning how to be Mommy.
I was treasuring giggles.
I was savoring memories.
I enjoyed watching so many firsts.

Four years ago...
I was learning how to be a mommy of two.
I loved 'visiting' with my growing son.
I watched as he learned and grew in amazing ways.

Three years ago...
I was expecting baby #3.
I was still learning how to be Mommy.
I was adjusting to living in a new part of the country.
I watched my boys' interests change and mature.
I saw my 'baby' turn into a 'boy'.

Two years ago...
I had three blessings who called me Mommy.
I was still learning how to do it.
I was bursting with pride watching my baby be the biggest brother.
I was facing new challenges and new joys.

One year ago...
I was soon to be Mommy to four.
I was still learning that role.
I was adjusting to a new home and lifestyle.
I watched my baby boy become a maturing little man.
I thought he was amazing.
I felt like life was just about perfect.

Today...
I am the Mommy to four.
I'm still learning every day.
I 'celebrated' my oldest son's birthday at the cemetery.
I have felt more emotional pain than I thought possible.
I discovered that it's possible to feel joy through pain.
I have felt an eternal joy.
I look at my family and see blessings.
I also see a missing piece.
I feel God's hand of love.
He's got my baby.
That's worth celebrating.

-----
People talk about all those 'firsts'. The first Christmas, the family event, the anniversary date, and the first birthday without your child.
Today we had the first birthday without our Skyler.
But he had his first birthday WITH his Father!
It was his best birthday ever.

I thought it would be harder.
Last night it was.
I felt like I should have been wrapping gifts, decorating the house, and making a cake for my big 6 year old who should have been thrilled
and counting down the minutes until he turned six.
But we woke up this morning with a peace.
God was still sending little signs to us that He had us covered.
Today I held two day old puppies, from the same puppy pictured above that Skyler got for his birthday last year.
She had four puppies, three living, and one that didn't make it.
The picture of the cross in the sky was taken as we left from the cemetery today. Skyler saw crosses in everything.
Little miracles, signs from God, reminders of His love.

I close this day, the day of Skyler's birth,
feeling like we truly were able to celebrate.
I feel relief seeing again that God will carry us through the tough times, in ways we didn't consider. I look at all these years of pictures and am so thankful for the memories I have of this amazing little boy.
I see how much he taught me.
I see how greatly I have been blessed.

We were blown away at the love that was shown by so many of you.
We didn't expect so much support,
didn't know so many people would remember.
Thank you for that.

Every good and perfect gift comes from above
James 1:17

2 Comments

This Weary World Rejoices

12/25/2014

6 Comments

“Tis’ the season to be jolly”
or at least, for most of the world.

It’s been a tough month, and the holidays have kicked us hard.
I expected it I guess, but it’s never quite how you think it will be.
It hits you worse on days you wouldn’t think, and then days you are prepared,
it turns out easier than you thought it would.

Thanksgiving isn’t a day that I have a lot of memories connected to Skyler.
For us, it’s not so different from the typical day,
except we get together with around 60 people for a crazy lunch.
It’s hard to even make sure your kids get food in a crowd like that!
I thought Thanksgiving would be no big deal.
We had some overnight company that week, and Jethro and I snuck out for
a bit while they watched our kids that morning.
We went to see this for the first time:

That didn’t help much!
But in that crowd of people, Skyler was missing.
There was a huge hole.
Is it just because everyone was there except him?
Even though I didn’t have special memories of him relating to that day,
he was still gone.

And since then it hasn’t been much better.
Pulling out the Christmas stuff wasn’t the same.
Last year Skyler (being the oldest and remembering the details)
was the most excited.
He wanted to help put everything together and had so much fun.
The kids enjoyed themselves this year, but there were some things
that I couldn’t do without him.
Maybe next year.
I've been cutting myself some major slack, and doing pretty much the minimum when it comes to anything and everything, especially Christmas related.

Last night we went and looked at Christmas lights in town
and had supper and a treat.
He was supposed to be there.
Today I wrapped gifts.
His were missing.
I miss his laugh and his smile.
His hugs and his comforting arms when Mommy is sad.
I miss the way he took care of his brother and sister
The way he got all hyper and excited.
The way he wrestled with Rystin and protected Vayah and
grinned when he felt Janae's baby kicks.
The way he was always happy about going somewhere with Dad.
His sensitive nature. His generous heart. His wisdom beyond his years.

Some days now, more than before, I say WHY?!
It’s normal to have him gone now.
We are adjusting to being back to three kids, age 3 and under,
instead of the four kids, age 5 and under that we should have had.
But it doesn’t make it easy.
Now most days when I count out four plates to set the table,
I don’t always think about how there should be five anymore.
When we all load up in the car, I don’t always think about how
there should be one more car seat filled.
I don’t always think about that other set of teeth that should be there to brush,
or that extra laundry that should be in the pile.
But lots of times I do.
I know I'll think about it when we take our annual kids in
front of the tree picture this year.
We'll never again have a picture with everyone in it.
--
I've been going through pictures the last couple of days, because I'd like to start working on albums. I gotta say, I'm SO thankful that I was so photo obsessed when Skyler was little. I don't take pictures AS much as I used to, but still often. I have probably thousands of pictures of Skyler! I'd encourage you all to take pictures of your kids. You'll never regret it!
--

The Sunday School Christmas program at church
the other weekend was tough too.
The kindergarten class proudly marched up to recite their lines.
They sweetly sang their song, ‘Jesus Loves Me’.
But there was one face missing.
One proud smile gone from the group.
But I COULD still hear his voice.
Skyler sang that song countless times,
and I have several videos of him singing it.
So in my mind, I could still hear him.
I just wanted to see him too.
He would have been so proud when his brother Rystin got up there with his preschool class and loudly and clearly sang “In a Little Stable”,
just like he had the year before.
“You did so good, Rystin! I could hear you when you sang your song”

Tonight as my family and I made some yummy goodies,
we listened to Christmas music.
One song came on… “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you…”
I thought how true that was.
Then a bit later another song… “I’ll be home for Christmas…”
Sadly I thought if only that were true.
Then I realized how true it really was!!
SKYLER IS HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!
He’s more ‘home’ than he’s ever been here with us.
He is Home, sitting next to our Lord who we are celebrating now.
Because of that first Christmas night, Skyler is
“Alive in Heaven”
as Rystin always likes to say.
Because of that Precious Child, we have the promise of Eternal life.
We can be ‘Home for Christmas’ and always!

So come, let us adore Him!

As my mom wrote in her Christmas letter,
we truly have learned that He is Emmanuel, “God with us”!
Although the days are sometimes difficult, and we live one at a time,
our Lord is with us each step of the way.

The theme of ‘Hope’ continues on…
This has been “my” verse lately:

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.
Romans 15:13

A thrill of HOPE this weary world rejoices!

Merry Christmas, from my weary, yet rejoicing heart!

6 Comments

A Jumbled List and a Message

11/15/2014

7 Comments

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. I still have plenty of things to share. Because my thoughts are all mixed up and jumbled today, I’m going to give you them in list form. A few random bits in no particular order…

-You never expect your family to shrink. Growing and multiplying, yes. It’s not supposed to get smaller. I can’t even explain the feeling of going from three kids to only two. Looking at Rystin and Vayah and thinking “these are ALL of my kids now!”. So so wrong. When I had Janae, it helped a little, but it still felt like there should be four. She was my fourth baby… someone was still missing. It was only for 6 weeks that I went back down to two kids, but it will be forever that there’s one still gone. I still have that feeling that I'm missing one when we’re not at home and I’m trying to keep track of them all. Will it always be?

-It also feels like I’ve gone backward in time. My oldest was learning how to write and spell. Now my oldest is only just learning his letters and numbers. . My oldest used to be able to help buckle himself and his brother into the car. Now my oldest just figured out his own buckle. My oldest used to be able to help gather clothes, shoes, and coats for the family. Now my oldest struggles to get himself dressed some days. And on and on it goes. I have to continuously remind myself that my oldest is 3, not 5. I cannot expect the same things from him that I could of his brother, who was two years older.

-The above quote is only half true. At this point, I cannot say that missing Skyler has gotten easier. Actually, I think as reality has settled in, and he seems further away, it has been harder now. But I do find it comforting to think that I’m one day closer to seeing him again, instead of thinking that I’m one day further away from him. It’s a scary thing to think that the memories of your own child may fade away.

-Being busy helps. I never have been one to love things to be crazy all the time. I like routine and schedules. I like knowing what is coming and planning ahead for it. The last 6 months have been completely upside down and very busy. God must know that’s what I’ve needed. Now as winter settles in and we don’t have plans every day, I am seeing how much better we do when we’re busy. Maybe in the long run that isn’t good. I know we need the time to think, process, grieve, and grow. But being around other people still helps.

-I still can’t believe that Skyler has been gone for over half a year. It is sometimes so hard still to comprehend that it’s even true, much less to think that we have survived the way we have for this long without him. I have been around a nephew lately who was born two days before Skyler. That’s been tough in some ways, neat in others. He seems so tall and grown up. Would Skyler be that tall after 6 months of growing? What would he act like? Reminding myself again that Skyler’s plan never went that far. He was only meant to be here for 5 years.

-Sometimes life gets discouraging. I see my own pain and sorrow. I see so many others hurting in similar or very different situations. I see the way the world is living. But I know that God is still in control. He is lifting up His children and holding them close. He still has a mission for us. There are so many out there who don’t know Him, and need this hope.

And one quick story to share...

Awhile back we were looking into what we wanted on Skyler’s headstone. (Something that just isn’t right to have to figure out!) Because I enjoy design, and wanted it to be more personal, I told the company that I would come up with something and email them what we wanted on the stone. I did a quick google search to get some ideas, as well as images we could use. It didn’t take long and I found this…

Yes. There is no doubt that that little boy could be Skyler. I loved the picture, and when Rystin saw it he was SO excited. We decided to use this image, so I included it in my design and sent it off. Later, the man we were communicating with asked if I had a clearer copy of the picture. I didn’t, but told him I would go back to the site and see if I could get it in a bigger file size. After much google searching, trying many various key words, and going back to my browser history, I’ve never been able to find the picture again. They were still able to use this copy for the headstone, so that wasn’t a problem.
But for me, it feels like it’s a picture just for us, of our little boy with Jesus.

Praise the Lord, they truly are together for eternity!!
Oh what a day that will be, when we can all join them there!

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope,
through the power of the Holy Ghost.
Romans 15:13

7 Comments

'I love you as high as Heaven!'

9/29/2014

5 Comments

A few days or so before Skyler died, he told me he loved me.
It was one of those random things...
I was making supper and he came in the kitchen and gave me a big hug
and said "I love you, Mommy!"
He told me he loved me once in awhile,
and we always said it to each other every night before bed,
but he wasn't the type of kid who told me real often on his own.
I'll always treasure that last time.

One of the things that Skyler and I used to do was play the 'I love you game'.
We would go back and forth and try to
'out-do' each other in how big our love was.
For example:
"I love you as high as the ceiling!"
"I love you as big as the house!"
"I love you as tall as the trees!"
And so on.
I don't recall who said it first,
(I want to say Skyler, but I can't remember for sure)
but eventually, the ultimate was always:

"I love you as high as Heaven!"

I still love you, Skyler.
As high as Heaven.
I always will.
Even through missing you,
I still will love you.
I'm so thankful you knew that.
And I'm thankful to know that you love me...
even "as high as Heaven, Mommy!"

I'm so blessed by all these little things, that have become big things in the end!

5 Comments

Summertime Rays of Sunshine

9/16/2014

10 Comments

I started to realize that the tone of this blog was feeling a bit discouraging.
Ok, maybe not totally, because I realize it has been a place for me
(and maybe others) to be ENcouraged.
But I want you guys to understand that my life isn’t
completely consumed with loss.
Yes, it’s been a tough summer.
But I have been so blessed in ways that others have not, so I am thankful.
I have appreciated using this blog to share my feelings, and the journey through grief (and still will). But there's more to my life to share.

Not the best picture, but I'll take what I can get!

The little people in my life couldn’t get much sweeter!
They’ve had some challenges adjusting, especially Rystin.
I could share some heartbreaking stories of some
of the things he has gone through.
Maybe someday I will. But not now.

Right now, let’s focus on the smiles and laughter, the happiness and joy.

Soon after Skyler died. Still joyful.

Kids are amazing when it comes to change and acceptance.
They are told something, they take it as truth, and keep on living.
If only we could truly have the ‘faith of a child’ in all circumstances of life!

It has been so neat watching the way
Rystin and Vayah have bonded this summer.
Rystin has been forced to find a new best friend,
and Vayah is just getting old enough to fit the bill.
They know how to fight like cats and dogs,
but then there are the times that they just connect.
Skyler and Rystin fought some, but overall, there wasn’t a lot of drama.

2 year old girls? Yup. There’s drama!

It hurts me deep to know that my little boy doesn’t have a big brother to wrestle with, to do boy stuff with, and to look after him anymore.
They had such different personalities, but were together all the time.
It has been interesting to see Rystin stepping into the ‘biggest brother shoes’.
Literally.

Rystin jumping off the same dock, wearing the same trunks, and posing almost exactly the same as his older brother did last summer.

His first choice for footwear has been Skyler’s shoes.
He goes for Skyer’s basket before his own a lot of the time.
They’re floppy and clumsy, but he knows what he wants.
He’s thrilled to be able to use his big brothers stuff,
and has commented about how he can have them now.
Not in a way that he got a cool present,
but in the ‘I want to be like him’ kind of way.

Anyways… we weren’t going there. ;)
Smiles…joy…happiness.

Yup. This little girl has brought us a lot of that!
She’s been a bit more of a needy baby at times,
but is getting better as she grows.
She sleeps amazingly (typically 9-10 hours straight!!),
so that has been such a blessing!
We have realized how important sleep is in all of our lives right now.
The struggles are so much harder when we’ve been lacking in that essential.

It has been so hard to understand how life can just keep going.
We lost our firstborn son, one of the brightest rays of sunshine I know.
And yet, our day to day lives don’t look that different.
We get up and greet the day, doing all of the same things we did before.
The empty spot at the table is becoming ‘normal’. The days filled with sorrow are fewer.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a hole, we still hurt, we still cry.
But when I look at our life overall, we’re happy!
We are able to keep living, keep doing the things we need to do.
Things we enjoy still bring us good feelings.
We can still run and play, laugh and tease, rest and relax,
pray and praise, work and live.
I never thought I’d be able to do those things the same way again.
It’s different.
But we’re still living.
Living in a more normal way than I thought possible.

So for those of you who don’t know my family well, let me introduce us.
These are the rays of sunshine that have kept us going.
These little people are the light in our dark days.

Rystin:
My sweet little boy.
The boy who is stepping up to take on the ‘oldest child’ role.
The boy who loves to laugh and tease.
The one who has quiet moments and tears,
and feels things most people ten times his age have never felt.
His white, curly blond hair and sparkling blue eyes makes everyone smile.
He is energetic and loves to be on the go.
He's patient and detailed, he'll work on things until he can figure them out.
I’m secretly excited about his little freckles that are starting to show up.
I love this boy like crazy!

Vayah:
My fiery little girl.
The girl I never realized how much I wanted until
she was in my arms for the first time.
The girl who turned our world around and keeps us on our toes.
The one who can brighten a room with her smile,
and make everyone laugh at her crazy antics.
Her dramatic two year old ways are all over the place!
She is independent, but loves to snuggle.
She’s determined, but oh so sweet.
She remembers her biggest brother,
but is young enough not to show a lot of response.
It’s been so fun to watch her grow and learn, and I love to imagine all the things we’ll do together.
I love this girl like crazy!

My baby girl.
The girl who brought us hope in the midst of heartache.
The girl who has kept me going,
needing a mommy who needs her to hold and snuggle.
The one who can melt your heart with one little coo.
Her jabbering and smiles make the dark days brighter.
She loves to tuck her face in my neck and sleep,
breathing warm little sighs in to my ear.
She’s active and alert, always checking out the world
like she’s ready to jump right in.
We have needed this girl so much, and have been so blessed by her joining our family during our deepest hurt.
It is so neat to think of my girls being sisters and friends.
I love this girl like crazy!

Seeing these rays of sunshine, it’s not so hard to see why we can keep going.
God has taken one of them home, and the world got a little dimmer.
But He has blessed us with three other little joys,
who need our love and attention.
This earth may never be as bright as it was, but Heaven got that much brighter!
Our mission here is that much clearer.
Our desire for our final Home that much stronger.
One day, our sunshine will be full again, under the light of the true Son!
We can keep going, because He has blessed us.
We’ll carry on as He carries us.

I have so many more thoughts to share about our story,
but I wanted to show you what brightened our summer.

10 Comments

First Day of School

9/3/2014

2 Comments

The bus drove past our house today,
it didn't even slow down.
Cuz the little boy that should be here,
is now wearing his crown.

He had been so excited,
looked forward to that day.
Little did we know,
he wasn't here to stay.

The place he went is better
than anything he'd thought.
And he's learning so much more
than any teacher could have taught.

I see so many photos
of other kids' first day.
My heart breaks as I think
how my sweet boy went away.

I miss him in a way so deep,
and many days I'm sad.
But it makes my heart rejoice
to know his heart is glad.

I'm thankful for the years we had,
though they seemed too short.
I wait for the glorious day
when we'll meet again in Heaven's Court!

I'll love you forever little man!

2 Comments

Five Funerals and Still Hope

8/30/2014

9 Comments

This has been a summer filled with pain.
Starting with the loss of my own son in May, I have attended five funerals for different relatives in the church we attend.

My sweet 5 year old boy.
A life seemed to be cut short as it was just beginning.

A 46 year old cousin.
A life of pain amidst tough times.

An 89 year old great uncle.
A full life ready to say goodbye.

A 95 year old great uncle.
So many years and so many loved ones left behind.

A tiny little boy.
Born asleep to our friends/cousin.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/magdalengreen/5757146919/?rb=1

Returning home from the church today, after seeing our friends lay their sweet baby boy to rest, who didn't get to take even one breath,
life just didn't seem fair.
How much more can we take?
We are a hurting people, a group where none have been left untouched.
And there are so many others that we are connected to who have also lost loved ones in the last couple of months.
The future seems bleak as we struggle along through this life.
We wonder, what's next?
Will these heartaches keep coming?!
And reality hits as we realize...yes... they will.
This is a hurting world.
God tells us there WILL be pain and sorrow.

But THERE IS HOPE!!

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.
Romans 15:13

We can be encouraged, strengthened, lifted up!
We know that there IS an end to all of this pain and heartache!
Because of Christ, one day all those we have longed
for will be with us once again!
He has prepared a Heavenly Home for us.

In this place there will be no more pain... or death...or tears.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
Revelation 21:4

It reminds me of this song:

1. God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

Chorus:
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing kindness, undying love.

2 God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

3 God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river, turbid and deep.

Let us remember, than even though hard times are inevitable,
God HAS promised us so much!
I think of all of the heartache outside of our own little world.
The Christians being brutally persecuted for their faith.
The families torn apart by bitterness or abuse.
The tragedies from natural disasters around the world.

We only have ONE hope.
ONE way to persevere through this life.
HE is the way
the truth
the life.

He makes beauty from the ashes.
He gives strength for the day.
He gives us a FOREVER resting place.

http://www.skywriting.net/inspirational/poems/beauty_for_ashes.html

As a side note, please continue to pray for us as our hearts ache.
On Tuesday school will start, without our little boy.
The bus will drive by, but won't stop at our house.
Life is moving ahead, even with him gone.
It's not easy, but we have hope.

9 Comments

15 weeks

8/14/2014

16 Comments

Fifteen Weeks.
It's been 15 weeks since we said goodbye.
Most days I still feel numb and in shock.
Then come the days where the hurt breaks through in full force.
Today was one of those days.
We miss him.

He was so full of life!

I used to say that I didn't know what I would do without him.
Now I know.
Or maybe I don't... it's too hard to look ahead.
It's just one day at a time, taking in the blessings we're still being filled with.
About a week before Skyler died, I was reading a fictional book. It was about a woman who lost her blond haired, blue eyed, 5 year old boy in an accident.
The book was about how she faced life and dealt with the grief.
I have to read at night before I can fall asleep.
That is what I read every night the week before he died. I went to sleep imagining how I would deal with it. What it would be like to lose my Skyler.
The morning he died, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't a great book anyways, and certainly not something I wanted to fall asleep to every night! I brought it back to the library when I brought the kids there that afternoon. We came home and then it was chore time.
Skyler never came back.
I found out what it was like to lose your
blond haired, blue eyed, 5 year old boy.

So now I wonder...
was God preparing my heart for the loss of my own son?
My husband and parents also had experiences or feelings of coming sadness.
Of course God knew this would happen.
Skyler was only meant to be here 5 years. It was time for him to go.
He blessed us with his life in ways nobody can understand.
I could talk about the person he was, the things he did, the faith he had for hours. But I don' t think that's the point. There's something bigger than our sweet Skyler going on here. He has received his reward. He is happier than he ever has been, his smile bigger than we ever saw it.
Now it's about us. How we live, what we learn, where we go from here.
Will others see the Truth, through Skyler's death?
Will Christ be glorified and proclaimed by all of those who mourn?
So really...now it's about Christ.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/451767406344198771/

We have been able to see His blessings.
I have never felt as close to our Savior as I have during this time.
It has been 15 weeks since Skyler died, and I have had TWO days since then that I haven't seen anyone outside of our own family (as in the 4, or now 5, of us)!!
Before, I was always more of a home body type. If we had plans for more than 2-3 days in a week, I'd start to get stressed out.
The last 3 months have been completely and fully filled with things EVERY day. And I've been ok with it. Some days it would be after supper and I'd think, maybe today will be the first day we don't see anyone all day...and someone would pull in the driveway at 8:00 at night! Family from the west coast has been here for a total of 8 of weeks, at different times. What a blessing!
God truly knows what we need, even when we don't know ourselves!
All those fears that I had about losing a child... they were real! And they haven't gone away still. But I have learned a little about faith in God's promise.
HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US.
He has been here, holding us up in his gracious hands, blessing us in SO many amazing ways. Do the blessings outweigh the loss? I don't know if I'll ever be able to say that in this life, but someday, we'll know the reasons.
And our biggest comfort?
He hasn't left our Skyler either!!
Hallelujah!
May the day come soon that we can ALL join Him in that Perfect Place!

Keep praying for us as we face these tough days, and thank you for blessing us in the ways that you have!

16 Comments

This Mixed-Up Life

7/6/2014

14 Comments

This is a new kind of post.
A kind I wish I wasn't writing.
I haven't updated this blog since November 16, 2013.
If only I could go back to that date and relive the following 5 months again.
Back then, I was busy with craft shows, Etsy orders, preparing for the holiday season, and just the craziness of life.
If I had known how life would change in 2014, I would have done things differently. But I'm glad I didn't know. I probably couldn't have made it through.

You see, this little boy, our Skyler Thomas, the one who made me 'Mommy', went to be with Jesus.

And then, just exactly 6 weeks later, this little girl, Janae Hope, a sweet and precious blessing, was born.

And this is my mixed-up life.
The heartbreaking loss.
The peace of Jesus.
The ups and downs and pregnancy.
The joy of new birth.
A good day here, and bad day there.
A constant missing piece, a comforting new addition.
Part of you is gone, but a new part is here.

Source: http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/18/84/00/1884004a7d169360f7bd18394fc74867.jpg

We are trudging through this mixed-up life. One step at a time, moment by moment. We are missing all those little things, while we enjoy new little things. Some days it feels like we won't survive as we face the days ahead without our little boy.
But we have been amazed as we have been so blessed during this time. Jesus has so carefully wrapped us in His loving arms. He has sent His people to love on us in the midst of it all. He knows just what we need, when to send it, who to send. We have felt the prayers of thousands around the world, the support has been overwhelming. Though we feel the pain, and see small glimpses of the reality of the pain of this life, we know that we WILL make it.
Life never goes as planned, and we will all face pain on this earth. I thought my life was pretty good. I thought that most my plans and dreams were pretty much happening, and in a lot of ways, life couldn't be better. May 1st, 2014 came. This is the day that changed my life. It is the worst day of my life. The day my life got mixed-up.
But I can still be thankful.
I have a good God. He has proved His love. He has drawn my family close and showed us His power and grace. There IS hope! This life isn't forever, and some day, we will join Skyler in the presence of Jesus for Eternity!!

Now I'm not going to make any promises about keeping up on this blog.
If you've been here from the beginning, you know how that can be.
But just maybe, this will be a new kind of place.
Not just for sharing projects, DIYs, and business updates,
but also for sharing the heart.
It might become a place for me to share memories of my sweet boy that I miss each and every day. Of stories of the blessings that are still here with me.
A way to encourage others going through similar things.
A way for others to encourage me on my tough days!
It could be a place where you read about heartbreak and healing.
About an experience that only Jesus can bring you through.
Maybe it will make you cry, maybe it will make you laugh.
OR maybe it will be a quiet place,
like it typically has been for that last several years :)
Again, I can't make any promises.
I am only taking one day at a time, and praying for the Lord to lead in my life.

May God bless you always!
Thank you for your love

14 Comments

Growing

Six Years Ago Today...

This Weary World Rejoices

A Jumbled List and a Message

'I love you as high as Heaven!'

Summertime Rays of Sunshine

First Day of School

Five Funerals and Still Hope

15 weeks

This Mixed-Up Life

Molly Joy

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