I wrote this article for The Salty Tribe Co. Journal
awhile back, but thought I would share it with you.
It is appropriate for me even now, as once again our
season seems to be changing.
I'll share more of that later on, but here are some of my
thoughts on the journey through life and homeschool...

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1

          As we walk this journey we make plans, we prepare, we dream, we grow. But it’s very rare that life plays out the way we originally pictured it.  Seasons come and go, and changes happen whether we like them or not.  God’s plans for us are above our understanding. His timing is perfect.  And it’s all part of learning.

          I say this, because I’m experiencing it.  My life hasn’t gone the way I would have imagined it.  Instead of dreams, one of my worst nightmares came true. 
​
          In the spring of 2014, life was good.  My husband had recently purchased cattle and we had begun dairy farming.  Farming wasn’t something I would have planned in my life, but we were loving country living with our three children (5, 3, and almost 2 at the time).  I was expecting our fourth baby soon, and we were preparing to send our oldest son, Skyler, to kindergarten at the local public school that fall.  I had always thought that I would enjoy homeschooling, but I wasn’t sure if it was the best choice for our kids.  I was also overwhelmed with the thought of trying to teach and take care of three little ones at the same time.  Skyler, who loved to learn, was thrilled as we toured his school, took a ride on the bus, and met his teacher.  Only a couple weeks later, he was gone.  There was a tragic accident at the farm and our little boy went to be with Jesus.  

It was the beginning of a new season.  It was the start of many changes that we would have never expected or planned.  So much of that time is a blur to me now.  We went through the motions of shock and grief.  One thing I remember thinking very soon after Skyler was gone, is that I knew now that I would homeschool.  At least to start.  There was no way that I could send my kids off to spend most of their days away from me, when I didn’t know how long I’d even get to have them.  In the blink of an eye, I learned how short life can be.  Maybe I was reacting out of fear, maybe I was trying to hold onto control instead of trusting God.  But we all start somewhere, and that is how my homeschool story began.

​

WINTER

That was a cold, dark time for us.  We were on a stormy road that we didn’t want to be on, feeling like we had lost our way.  Despite the fact that it was really spring at the time, we could feel the icy wind whistling through us, chilling us to our bones. 
It felt like we’d never again feel the warmth of the sun.

          There are seasons in life that are hard.  We want to snuggle in and stay close to each other, because anything more than that feels like too much.  There are no colors outside our windows and the ground is frozen and cold.  Those are times of survival.  We only do what we have to and we often feel empty and lonely. It’s ok.  We do what we can and it is enough.

          The most amazing thing is that even when we can’t feel the sun (or the Son), we know it (or He) is there still.  During that time of deep grief, the love of our Lord was poured out onto our family in amazing ways. He was still there.  He still loved us and was hurting as we hurt.  He hadn’t forgotten.  His promises were true.  He would see us through and walk this season with us.
 
          “…for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Hebrews 13:5

SPRING

          We begin to see glimpses of hope.  Through our pain, the sun slowly penetrates and we feel moments of warmth again.  Outside, the fields are becoming green and the flowers are peeking out of the ground.  On the farm, there is new life and calves beller for milk.  We are needed and life keeps going.  The seasons change, even if we’re not always ready. 

          We also welcomed new life into our family.  Six weeks after saying goodbye to Skyler, we said hello to a baby girl, Janae Hope.  We later learned that her name meant ‘God is gracious’.  What a time of deep grief mixed with deep joy.  A rainbow in midst of the intense storm. A blessing and a reminder of God’s promise. Life went on, even when we felt like it stopped. 

We began to slowly bring learning into our days.  I love to research, and I started to spend a crazy amount of hours looking to curriculum, homeschool methods, and reviews.  I went to a convention; it was a whole new world, and I was getting excited about it.  My list of reasons to homeschool lengthened as I learned more about it.  I wanted to grow and learn with my family.  I wanted to instill in my children a desire to learn, to give them a foundation to grow in, and teach them about the love of God.  Just as we planted the seeds in the fields on the farm, I wanted to plant seeds into my kids and nurture them as they grew. 
​
“A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted” Ecclesiastes 3:2

SUMMER

We think of relaxation and rest in the summer, though very often it is more filled with busy days and extra plans.  Time passes quickly as we try to soak up every moment.  A season filled with joy and laughter.  Days at the beach and evenings around a campfire.  We feel the warmth and we see the colorful blossoms.  Even though there is always a child missing when you’re counting heads at the lake, you find joy as your other children find joy.  This is a good season with good memories. 
It’s easier to be thankful as we watch our children play. 

          As homeschool moms, we often spend time planning and preparing.  We look forward to new books and fun projects.  We are full of energy and excitement, and even the kids look forward to the changes.  There is likely to be hard days of burnout and frustration ahead; we know because we’ve been there.  Things won’t always go as we had hoped.  But still we prepare and plan.  One thing that Skyler prayed before he died was, “Lord, keep us safe from the battle”.  We say that often now and it reminds us to prepare for the battle that may be ahead.  These times of peace and rest are good for the soul.  It is a time to arm ourselves for whatever season may be ahead.  We work the ground as we tend to growing plants.
​
“Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” Ephesians 6:13

FALL

The crisp, cool air of autumn give us the energy for the changes this season.  As we open new books and fall back into routine, our children dive into new ideas and experiences.  Things have transformed again.  Everyone is older and has grown.  There is still the empty chair at the school table.  I will always imagine what our biggest boy would be learning and enjoying each year.  I reflect and remember.  The hole will never be filled, but the pain isn’t so sharp.  The ache has eased a bit and life has gone on. 
Sometimes that is a comfort, sometimes it is hard. 

On the farm, the combines drive up and down the fields as they harvest the year’s crops.  It is stored for winter to be used as feed for the animals.  God reminds us of His blessings.  Life comes from Him, and only through Him are we able to walk the journey.
​We may plant, others will water, but God gives the increase. 

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” James 1:17
 

SEASONS OF LIFE

It has been nearly three years since Skyler’s life ended.  As I write, our fifth sweet blessing is snuggled on my lap.  She again reminds me of hope and how the seasons of life are always changing.  We are halfway through our second ‘official’ year of teaching our kids at home.  Still just beginners, we are truly enjoying this season.  As I experience the seasons of grief, the seasons on the farm, and the seasons of life in general, I have realized there are seasons in everything.  Some of them are very difficult and some are wonderful.  But in every season, God is there.  He is always reminding us of His promise. 
​
Sometimes in the heat of summer, there is a dark thunderstorm.  Between the cool days of fall, we feel the warmth of Indian summer.  The rainbow shines through the clouds as the sun peeks through.  The mix of feelings and emotions. Hard times and joy-filled times. God’s plan is perfect, even when it’s hard to see.  But I know that life is short.  If we can live in each moment, treasuring our children and making the most of the season we are in, we will be able to recognize God’s loving hand in the little things.  It’s not about how many books we get through or the number of field trips we schedule, it’s about growing together as a family through each season of life. 

As I was reading this morning, I began to think about some of the times when God has truly shown His presence in our family.  
I know there are more than I can count, but there is one area that really sticks out to me that I was thinking of today. 

 Nearly 9 years ago, I walked down the aisle to commit to walking my life with the man who I loved (and still do!).  
We had no idea what was ahead of us.
 Not that anyone does.
We didn't know about the moves.
The many job changes.
The many children.
The loss of our oldest child.
The ups and downs of two people merging their lives together.

But today I am thinking specifically of the moves.
When we first married, we lived in the house that my husband and his cousin owned together in the Northwest.  
It was a beautiful home, but it was for sale.
It was hard to truly make it 'home' since I knew we would likely be moving soon. 
I got pregnant with our first child, and when I was approaching my due date, the house sold.  My husband was working stay away jobs a few hours away each week at the time.  I ended up being mostly responsible for finding a new place to live.  We looked at apartments (shudder) and rentals in the area.
Everything was very expensive and not in great locations.
We had to be out of our house soon, out baby was coming, and I was the only one around to do anything about it!
I was pretty stressed to say the least!
Then we got a random call from an older lady in our church.
She had heard we were looking for a place to live, and had a perfect rental place out in the country, for the perfect price!
What a gift from God!! 
I packed most of our stuff up myself (though had a few friends help out too at times), and over the weekend when my hubby was home, we got some friends to load the last of our furniture to our new house.
Three days before Skyler was born, we were 'settled'!
God clearly had His hand in this. 

I knew ever since I had started getting to know my husband ('Fro') that he wanted to someday move to MN and be a farmer.
It was what he knew.
He had grown up on a dairy farm, and his roots were deep.
We really thought it would be kind of a 'long term' plan and we'd be out west for quite awhile first.  
We started feeling a bit unsettled, and began looking at some houses that we could possible purchase (still in the NW). 
Nothing was really falling into place, and around that same time, Jethro heard about a farmer in Minnesota who was looking for some full time help, with some future long term potential. 
We had planned a trip there over Christmas, so decided to check it out.
By that time we had been blessed with another son and were expecting our first daughter, and Fro was really starting to feel the pull to move back to his home.  
Everything fell into place with the job, and suddenly we were scheduled to move in just a few months.
I began to look all over for houses online. 
Places to rent, places to buy, anything! 
I would be just a few months away from having another baby when we moved, so I was feeling pretty stressed again about finding a place to live!
Not long before we were going to leave, another kind couple from our church approached us.  They had a summer home there in MN, and it wasn't being used at the time.  They said we were welcome to stay there for a month or so until we found a place to rent, or until they needed it again themselves.
​Thank you, Lord! 

We packed up and headed East!
We moved into this temporary place to stay,
and began our search again for a place to live.
We looked into rentals, and places to buy near the farm Fro would be working.
About a month later, we found a cozy little rental right on the edge of town.
It was close enough to the farm, but not somewhere we'd stay forever.
​It was a tiny little house, but it was just perfect for that time. 
Our little girl joined our family about 6 weeks after we moved in.
Little did we know, it was a perfect little haven for our family to nest together before our Skyler left us. 
We were there a little over a year before that unsettled feeling started coming again.  It became clear that the job my husband had was not going to work out long-term as we had first thought.  
We began to wonder what God's plan was for our life.
We explored some different ideas, but doors weren't opening.
Then the opportunity came up for Fro to begin farming on his own with his brother, close to where he grew up.
He began to build up his own herd of cattle, and put in his notice at the farm where he worked.
And... 
we began looking for a place to live again! 

There was an old farm house just down the road from where the guys were renting their farm.  The house was being rented, but not lived in at the time.  
We contacted the renters to see if they would be interested in letting us move in.  At first they said no.
I should also mention that I was now expecting baby #4!
It seemed to be a trend to move every time I was pregnant.
I was again feeling a bit stressed about where we would live, since some of the options in the area weren't very appealing to me! 
Suddenly we got a call from the couple and they had decided to let us have the place! We would move in TWO days!! 

God had provided again, at just the right time, with just the right place.
Why do we even doubt?  
He has it all planned out anyways!

We were only in this place for a month before God called our Skyler Home.  
We were, of course, heart broken.
We wondered if we had made the wrong decision.
Maybe if we had gone elsewhere, this wouldn't have happened.
Of course those were just lies and doubts creeping in.
God's hand was still there, each day, showing us His plan.
Showing us His love.

We are again in a place of wondering what God's plan is for us.
What is next in our lives?
We have been in this rental for 3 years now, the longest we have lived anywhere so far.
If you had told me 10 years ago that we would be living in a place like this, I wouldn't have been thrilled!  ;) 
We've been in temporary homes for all 9 years of our marriage.
For most of those years, I was frustrated with it.
I wanted to own our own place.
I wanted a place we could really call 'home' that we loved.
I have come to realize that everywhere on this earth is 'temporary'.
Our home is Heaven, and we will never be fully content until we're there.
Our goal doesn't need to be 'bigger and better'. 
The point in this life isn't to have the ideal retirement plan or to continue climbing the corporate ladder.
Though there is nothing wrong with those things, they are blessings too, that shouldn't be our purpose.
God has a bigger plan, and sees the bigger picture.
While I still have some dreams, I am learning to be content.
In this area at least! 
God has shown us over and over that He will provide.
He guides us each step of the way.
We worry and stress about where we will go, or what we will do, while He's got the whole plan figured out ahead of time.  
We don't know what our next step will be, but we can rest in the assurance that He does!

I pray that we can all have open hands and loosely hold the things of this world.
And that we can have open hearts to whatever God calls us to.
May we be willing to listen and walk on the journey He has for us.   ​

It's been awhile since I've posted.
We've had some golden sparkles since then. 

Gold sparkles:
Treasures and valuable gifts that shine and reflect the light in a beautiful way.

Our first gold sparkle of the year is our sweet new little person!

This mama was so ready for her to come by the time her due date arrived (and passed!).  She made things a bit difficult for me as far as delivery, but she's safe and sound and as perfect and sweet as every new baby is. 
Of course, in my eyes, she's even MORE perfect and sweet! ;)  
She's nearly 3 months old now and seriously has been an angel baby.  
She is so happy and smiley and just content with life.
Rystin likes to say that she's so happy to be a part of our family,
but really, we're just all thrilled with her! 


Another area we've had some gold sparkles is in our homeschool. 

We have truly been enjoying learning together this year.  It's been a lot of fun as the kids have grown a bit older to do more projects, read 'bigger books', and just explore our interests.  God's creation is so amazing, and we are seeing His beauty in every area!  


Another Gold Sparkle:
Rystin turned 6!

This boy continues to amaze me as her learns and grows.
God has been so good and I love to see this smile! 


And one more Gold Sparkle:
We celebrated Skyler on what would have been his golden birthday on the 8th.

Skyler's birthday is always very bittersweet.
We dread it as it comes, knowing how impossible it is to truly celebrate the birthday of a child who is no longer with us.
But so far, each birthday that has passed has been a blessing.
We feel so much love from those around us, and God's arms feel extra close.
We are able to remember and be thankful for the time with had with Skyler.

I was thinking the other day about loss, and this came to mind...

A mother knows what it means to love someone so much that it hurts.  But it's not until we lose that someone, that we realize how deep that love truly was.

The hurt is still deep, but time has eased the pain.
That is also bittersweet, as part of me wants to hold onto that pain, knowing that my love for Skyler is so closely woven into that hurt.
And while that deep pain comes and goes, I think an even bigger struggle for me is fear.
Fear for the day that the pain may come again.
I want to hold on so tightly to my family and just hide away.
But I know that there is nothing I can do to protect us.
This world is an imperfect place, and we are not promised an easy life.
In fact, we are told we WILL suffer.
But may our suffering be for His glory.
May all of the hard stuff work together for His good.
It will!  He promised.
So I hold on to that, praying for strength for whatever lies ahead, thankful for the hope we have for the day that truly we will have 
GOLD SPARKLES
forever and ever, with no end! 

Thanks so much for stopping in to listen to my rambling thoughts.
I know I don't always post very regularly, but I pray that you are encouraged as I share my heart.  

​As we are in the midst of our 3rd Christmas season as an incomplete family, there is much to look back on.  I was thinking about the 4 weeks of advent and what each week represents as we look to the birth of Christ.  These same words have reflected a lot of what I have experience these last years, as the empty placed that Skyler used to fill remains.  I thought I’d share some of my heart.

Hope
  This was the word I clung to.  In those beginning months of grief, ‘hope’ came back to us over and over.  It was the only anchor that kept us firm.  We held onto the promises that Christ gave us in that.  I had hope that things had to get better.  I had hope that God would hold us close in that time.  Most of all, I had hope that I truly would see my sweet boy again someday.  And while this didn’t take the pain away, it did give us a reason to keep going.  When my baby girl was born 6 weeks after Skyler went Home, we named her Janae Hope, later learning that ‘Janae’ meant ‘God is gracious’.  He truly was gracious to us.  As I knelt there next to my firstborn, holding his still hand where he had breathed his last breath, I thought that there is NO way I can bring forth new life from my body so soon.  I felt like there was NO way I could love another baby, after losing the first baby I loved so dearly.  Now, as I’m about just as far along in pregnancy with #5 as I was then, I know that only by God’s grace was I able to have that strength.  We later realized that she was what we needed.  She kept me living, and truly showed me what ‘hope’ meant.  Looking back now, so much of that time was a blur.  I remember how some of my senses were so dulled with shock.  Some things had no taste when I ate, sometimes it felt like an elephant was sitting on me.  I remember once sitting in my chair with living room full of people, wondering if I should have someone bring me to the hospital because I couldn’t lift my arms.  I realized it was just part of it all.  Then some details I can remember SO clearly, the exact thoughts running through my head, the tears of people I loved as they cried on my shoulder, even when I had no tears of my own.  The many many people that showed us love.  Which brings us into the next area…

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.  Romans 5:13

Love
I thought I knew.  I thought I understood what love was before.  Now I’ve realized it’s a life-long journey of learning.  When I was in 8th or 9th grade, I remember being at a place of understanding.  I believed with all my heart in the God who created and loved me.  I was on fire for Him, with big plans to go on mission trips and so on as soon as I could.  That faded a bit as I got older, though I never walked away from my faith.  When I got married, and after Skyler was born, I got a taste of a new kind of love.  The love I had for my husband was something I had ‘chosen’ in a way, and had happened gradually.  But the love that I had for our son completely blew me away.  That heart explosion of holding him for the first time, and watching him grow into a little boy was enough to make you stop and think what God had really done when He sent His Son to this earth.  And to imagine the love that He has for us that is SO much bigger than what I was feeling.  With the birth of Rystin, and seeing the amazing relationship that Skyler developed with him, with the birth of Vayah and seeing how she just adored her oldest brother.  Those are the things that make every day worth living.  But when that first little boy was taken away from me, I thought my heart had shattered.  How could someone I loved SO much just be gone in an instant?!  There HAD to be something I could do.  But there was nothing.  I had never wanted anything in my life as bad as I wanted him back.  And I couldn’t have that, no matter what I did.  And I realized that I loved him even more that I had thought.  That phrase ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’ is so true.  But in those days and weeks and months that followed, I realized I hadn’t lost my love for him.  It didn’t die with him.  I still love him as much now as I did then.  While it’s hard to watch time pass, memories get fuzzy, and even pain start to fade, I can still feel that love that was always there for him.  And during that time, I also felt the powerful love of Christ in a way that I never had before.  It’s something that’s impossible to explain.  There were times that I literally felt like His arms were around me.  I’d open my Bible and He would speak to me.  My home was filled with people coming and going, all being the hands and feet of Christ to me during that time (and they still do).  I have never felt as close to God as I did during those first weeks.  There were times when things got quiet, and I would begin to feel far away from God.  But He was always there, and He showed me His love in small quiet ways, over and over again.  I realized how He is truly faithful.  Those promises of hope that He gives us really are sure.  I had never ‘needed’ God like I did then, and He was right there all along, pouring out that love onto us so generously.  And that is enough to slowly bring the joy back again.

​1 John 4:19
We love him, because he first loved us.

Joy
It was so hard to imagine ever feeling joy again.  How could we be joyful when we had lost so much?  We were all so broken in such different ways.  Our needs were so varied, and our grief so personal.  How would we survive the complete mess that grief brought into our lives?!  It was ugly and frustrating.  And Satan immediately tries to sneak in when we are weak and pull us apart from each other and from our God.  He accuses us of doing it ‘wrong’.  He makes us feel selfish.  He plants seeds of doubt in our minds and points fingers in all directions.  He tries to convince us that there’s nothing left to live for.  But our God is so much more powerful than Satan.  He brings us out of the pit and plants our feet on a firm foundation.  But it is a long slow journey.  We fall down and slide backwards.  But He is always there to help us up again.  We see peaks of the mountain tops from a distance.  Occasionally we get to a place high enough to feel that spark of joy again.  And so goes the journey of life.  We have valleys and mountains, but our God is the same through it all, never leaving us.  Joy doesn’t always mean happiness.  Joy isn’t always something outward.  But the joy that God places in our hearts is Eternal.  The joy in my heart is the same joy that is in Skyler’s right now.  His is fully alive and reality.  Mine is just a glimpse as I walk the journey.  But praise God for the joy He gives, because it also leads us to a place of peace.

Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore. Psalm 16:11

Peace
  One of the things I am most thankful for these past (going on) 3 years in the sense of peace.  Somehow, even in those first days, I was able to feel some small amount of peace.  As time has passed, that peace has grown, as far as facing loss anyways.  There have been seasons that are harder, and probably always will be.  The holidays can be especially difficult when there’s such an empty place always there.  But this season I have mostly felt peace.  Sadness crept in as I watched the 2nd grade class recite their verses and sing in the Christmas program at church today, but mostly I felt peace.   I think I feel more peace with Skyler being Home, than I do in day to day life here with my other kids sometimes.  My mind runs 1000 mph in all directions, imagining what could happen to one of them.  If I leave them with someone else, I am constantly wondering if they are ok, and thinking of all the what-ifs.  Fear sneaks its way in again and I struggle.  It is so hard to give up the control that I seem to think I have, and trust in God’s plan, even though I’ve seen the beauty in the ashes before.  He’s brought us through my worst nightmare, and I’m still here.  Why would I doubt His plan for the future?  Someone recently shared with me that it’s ok to allow myself to struggle.  I set pretty high standards for myself, and feel like I fail if I have a hard time with something.  Going to the farm with the kids is still difficult for me.  But that’s ok!  That’s normal and part of it, and I shouldn’t feel guilty for allowing myself to grieve.  It’s ok to step back from life and heal. That was a bit of a revelation to me, since I just try to push through it and make it go away.  So I have felt so much blessing of peace in the loss and the process, but still hold onto fear in the life we have ahead.  But when I remind myself that God alone is in control, and that His promises are firm, I am reassured with the peace that only comes from Him. 

Isaiah 12:2 - Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid:
​for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.

Christ
   And as in the season of Advent, this hope, love, joy, and peace all point to our Savior.  That sweet babe, God’s only Son, truly brought all of these things to us.  And while this life is hard, and these struggles face us daily, we can be assured that these are Eternal.  Because of God’s gift to us on that first Christmas night, and what that baby grew up to do, we can face each day.  That baby boy, Jesus, grew up to teach us His ways.  He showed us what hope, love, joy, and peace really meant.  And His death and blood that washes us clean give us a Forever promise.  It is only in Him that we can be confident that this world is not our home, but our True Home is waiting for us as we journey here.  That place of eternal joy, where the pain is gone, where there are no more goodbyes.  May each of us remember this Christmas, of what we are living for.  Let us remember that we were worth dying for.  And let us focus on what it means to feel hope, love, joy, and peace in all season of this road of life. 
 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
Luke 2:11-14
 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Hello to all!
It's been awhile since I've blogged, so I thought I'd do just a general life update post for anyone who is interested.  
I feel like we've had a laid-back, event-filled season.
If that makes any sense!

Starting more recently, I decided to sign up to be an Usborne consultant.  
Feel free to skip this part if you don't care ;)
Because I LOVE and have collected many titles from this book company, and I needed them often for homeschool, I decided it would make more sense to just sell them and get a discount!
I didn't get into it to have a big business, but more to get a better deal on books for myself to grow our home library, and to be available for those who may want to do a party, but don't know anyone who sells.  
Next week will be busy, as I kick off with a home show on Tuesday (the 15th) evening.  If any locals are interested in coming, please let me know!
Then I'll be doing a Facebook party on Thursday (the 17th) for everyone else who can't make it there in person.  You don't have to be there live, or even have a FB account to participate.  There will be several fun giveaways, so let me know if you'd like to be added to that!  I'm also doing a local vendor fair on the 19th, so it will be a busy week.  They are estimating about another month of ordering for product to be shipped by Christmas.  Also, since I'm a new consultant, I get to give out DOUBLE free stuff to all those who host a party.  That's HUGE... and it's how I got hundreds of dollars worth of books at the party I hosted last year on FB.  Let me know if you'd like to give it a try... it's no expense to you, just free stuff :) 
​
My FB business page is:
https://www.facebook.com/ubammolly/
and my site link to purchase books is:
​https://www.facebook.com/ubammolly/

In other news...
I'm into my 3rd trimester of pregnancy with little #5!
It really has gone quickly and I have been blessed with a pretty easy pregnancy so far. I had some fear in the beginning, since my emotions are sometimes difficult to manage when pregnant, and I didn't know how that would mesh with grief.  It's never an 'easy' journey, but thankfully it has been better than I expected so far.  Keep us in your prayers these next months as we prepare to meet another family member who won't know their biggest brother.
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We have still been really enjoying homeschooling!
We have been much more scheduled and in a regular routine this year than last year, but it seems to help a lot! 
We started our new curriculum about 6 weeks ago, and have been enjoying it so far.  The kids seem to want to just keep learning, and I have finally tell them that's enough school some days!  It's a blessing for sure, but it also makes it challenging at times.  Janae (2.5) is my biggest challenge since she HAS to be in the middle of everything too.  
Here's a few snapshots from some of our more recent activities, as well as the details of what we are using for curriculum this year...

Our core curriculum is still My Father's World.
Rystin finished 'God's Creation from A-Z' (K) and started 
'Learning God's Story' (1st).
Vayah is doing parts of K now that she didn't do with us last year, mostly the phonics, math, and handwriting. 
MFW includes most subjects, but we do add a lot in too, since the kids want to keep going! 
MFW includes:
Phonics, handwriting, history, Bible, science, art, music, and math. 
I'll break down each subject a little further and tell you what we add, or what we do typically for these subjects. 

Phonics:  
Rystin LOVES to read.  When doing K, he was itching to go more quickly, so we started doing Hooked On Phonics as a supplement.  He has flown through it, but I'm thankful that now in MFW 1st he'll be covering the rules again.
Vayah wants to read really badly, so it's been a struggle trying to work with her at the level she's at now, when she wants to be so much further.  MFW K is definitely a good speed for her at this age. She does try to do Hooked on Phonics often, but it just moves a bit too fast for her right now.

Handwriting:
Both kids have copy work and they also enjoy writing letters to family and friends, so they are getting plenty of that in.  They have both enjoyed an iPhone app called Letter School that teaches them letter formation by tracing.

History:
MFW 1st focuses on Bible history, by going over most of the key stories out of the Bible.  We made scrolls, set up a timeline on the wall, and have been learning about Thanksgiving lately.  The K program doesn't do much with history, but Vayah likes to follow along with Rystin when he does projects. 

Bible:
MFW heavily focuses on Bible for every grade.  Bible is the main thing for 1st especially, where they learn Bible history, study/memorize a weekly Proverb, and do daily devotional studies.  We do a lot with memory work, and the system we use has worked well with the kids.  It's so amazing how quickly they pick things up at this age!  Memory work isn't always their favorite thing, but it's neat to see them recite and learn. We do a few other randoms to add to it, but those are the main things. 

Science:
MFW K focuses a lot on 'science' type topics such as learning about the sun, specific animals, plants, etc.  We had a lot of fun with it last year, but Vayah went through all of it with us, so I'm not doing it again this year with her.  
MFW 1st doesn't have a lot for science.  They have a key topic each week, but it doesn't have much to go with it other than a page or two of reading and a few suggested projects.  We started to add in notebooking, and I'll do printables and cut and paste activities, or drawing things related to the topics.  We do a lot of reading from library books about each topic too.  

Art/Music:
MFW for both K and 1st covers a little bit of these topics in them.  I'm funny when it comes to 'art' projects though.  I don't enjoy the ones that don't also teach them something, and will just end up in the garbage, like the cut and glue type projects.  They do lots of that in Sunday School and Mom's Group for me to need any more :)  Not to say they don't learn from those too.  We've started working through the art book that is part of MFW (Drawing with Children). Rystin hated to draw and went into it with resistance, but the few things we've done so far has really made him more interested and open to drawing/coloring.  Vayah likes art a little more, but Janae seems to be my biggest artist so far.  
We don't officially do a lot with music, other than occasionally listening to the suggested classical music songs.  I have done a few piano lessons with them, which we may pursue more in the future.  They love to sing, and play with our keyboard and the recorded songs on there often.  

Math:
This was another subject that Rystin really seemed to grasp onto easily in K.  We started Singapore 1A partway through last year, and have just continued it this year.  I haven't done any of the suggested math in MFW 1st for him other than occasional activities.  He still enjoys the Singapore program and we just do it a few times a week.  We also have the first book of the Life of Fred series.  We started that last year too, but he resisted.  He's enjoyed it a bit more this year, but we've only read a few chapters.  It's more of a 'story book' than a math book, but teaches all the concepts. 
Vayah does the math pages that are in the MFW K program, and we also have the Singapore K books for her.  I got most of them used at a sale, so we decided to try them.  I don't like the 'Earlybird' version we got for her, so I think if we ever get the K books again, I'll try the 'Essentials' instead.

Janae is learning her colors and counting. 
She talks a ton and loves to sing and pretend.
She mostly just pretends to be studious while she's really just getting in the way while we do school.  The struggle is real! 
But she is a charmer and keeps us all laughing either way :)

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We typically like to travel in the summer, but this year we stuck close to home.
We made several trips last winter/spring, so decided we'd wait until next summer to do another vacation.
I took the kids on a weekend trip to SD, but otherwise we spent the summer swimming at the local lakes, meeting up with friends, and just relaxing!  I felt a little rough for about 6 weeks early in the pregnancy, so it was a
good time to just chill.​
We did school about once a week through the summer, which was good to keep up on what they had learned, then started in on a more daily schedule in early September.  

Life on the farm continues on.
We are praying for God's guidance as we look ahead for His plan.
We don't know what direction we will be going, so it's truly a day by day way to live.  I still feel a lot of anxiety when the kids are at the farm.
Rystin got a pretty bad burn on his back when we were at a Labor Day campout and he fell into the fire.  That affected me more than I thought it would as far as fear and worry.  It's a continuous struggle to remember that God is in control.  Same with the election.  So many things we have to just let go of and give to God.  But that's easier said than done!  
I was thrilled to get my scrapbook of Skyler's life completed not long ago.
In it is basically every picture we have of him, as well as many stories and memories, as well as links to videos.
It was a process to complete, but felt like a weight was lifted when I got it finished.  The journey of grief never really ends, it just changes.
Sometimes it can be a total disconnect, wondering if it really happened.
Other times it's deep in the trenches, reliving the trauma, and feeling the loss.
But God has given us strength, and will continue to do so.
We always appreciate your prayers as we each face different battles.

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So, as we begin the busy holiday season, I pray you keep your focus on the things that matter.  Remember to treasure each moment and memory with the people you love.  Stop and take the time to let them know you care.
Go out of your way to put a smile on their faces.
Go to God with each and every doubt and fear.
And thank Him for every blessing he has placed in your life, especially His own Son, who He allowed to die so that we can live.
Spread that message to the world, because that is why we're here! 
​

The blend of emotions never ends.
The mix of joy and pain.
The combination of new life and old grief.
Excitement and hesitation.
Remembering and looking ahead.
I guess the key is looking up, into His face.

We are thrilled to share that God has again blessed us with new life.
Another little person has already snuck into our hearts, even as God forms and grows each little part inside of me.
February seems like so far away to meet this sweet baby!
  
I do share this with some hesitation though.  
After losing a child, I have come to see that new life can be painful.
This can include hearing the news of others. 
I have thought a lot about how each person we come across in life walks a different path than ourselves.
Each of us faces tough stuff, and life isn't just 'easy' for any of us.
Some of us have had obvious tragedies happen, or things that people on the outside can see.
Others have secret hurts, or hidden pain in their lives.
We always refer to a coming baby as a 'blessing'.
And, don't get me wrong, it TOTALLY is! 
Children truly are amazing gifts from God.
But does that mean that those who don't have them haven't been blessed? 
Or that God has removed blessing from those of us who have lost?
Of course not.
Every life is precious and valuable and perfect.
God creates each one beautifully and wonderfully in His own image.
​ 

when
But each of us is different and unique too.
God has a plan and a purpose for each of our lives, from the very moment we were conceived. 
We often have dreams and wishes for our futures.
And when these hard trials come we forget that God's plan is greater than ours.
The things that we look at as blessings, may not be how God chooses to bless us.
I surely wouldn't have ever had losing a child in my life plans.
And now the thought of adding another life into our family brings with it some fear and even a little sadness (mixed with the joy), knowing that this baby will have no connections to his/her oldest brother.
I fear the what-ifs of having another piece of my heart out there in this world.
But the gift of life cannot be denied.
So for those who haven't had children, who have struggled with miscarriages, or have lost children, I think of you.
I hurt for you as you see over and over the news of others and wonder why.
I wonder why.
I question why God would continue to place these children into my life.
But I am thankful.
I pray for peace for each situation.
May we always remember that God's plan is perfect.
Let us rest in Him as we walk daily in His grace.
His love cannot be measured, and His blessings are not limited.

So I've been thinking a lot about life recently.
Ha.  What else is new?!
But more specifically, what is our purpose? 
Why are we here?
Who are we living for?

I think we can all give those answers somewhat easily.
In a nutshell, we are here to spread the love of Christ to the World.

I think sometimes, though, in the mundane of life, we forget.
I was visiting with some friends recently and we were discussing the topic of living for others, versus living for God. 

Are we people-pleasers or God-pleasers?
Do we make choices based on what others will think of us?
Do we allow God to work in our lives in all circumstances?

Personally, I know this is a struggle for me.
Even here on the blog, I sometimes doubt about sharing my heart.
Will people think I'm trying just to get attention?
Will the like it or think it's dumb?
If they say they like it will I take the credit and be prideful?
If I am criticized, will I quit?
What if a lot of people read it?!
What if nobody reads it?!

I don't write often here, but it is one of the many areas in my life that this type of questioning comes about.  
But we can ask these kinds of questions about anything...
Am I too focused on my job?
Do people think it's a waste of time?
Should I be wearing this style of clothes?
What if people think it's strange?
I wonder if I'm too hard on my kids.
Or maybe I'm too soft.
People might not think I'm doing it right.
I have something I want to give.
But they might think it's dumb.
What if I'm spending too much money on this?
Maybe I shouldn't go there, people might think I'm high class.
I don't want to go there, someone might think I can't do better.
I wonder what that person will think if they see this. 
I'll just stay home, then people can't look down on me.
I can't stay home, people might think I'm stuck up!

You get the point.
Every single thing in life can become a point of doubting ourselves.
How sad that is.
We are so quick to hide who we really are.
We hide our hearts.
We hide behind excuses or make choices based on the people around us.

Some of these questions maybe SHOULD be asked.
But in a different way.

WHO are we living our lives for?
God.
So the answer to all of those questions should be directed towards Him.
Would God think this decision is worth my time?
Am I following His leading by making this choice? 
Does this thing in my life glorify Him? 

We can so quickly forget that. 
We worry and wonder about others will think of us,
without even considering what God will think.
People's opinions really don't matter.
It is hard to go against the grain and be different.
It's not easy to make choices that people around you might not like.
Going out of our comfort zone to do something we feel that God is leading us to can be a challenge. 
Making changes in our lives because of God's calling isn't a simple thing.

We can live for others (or even ourselves), or we can live for God. 
There is only one way.
It's not the easiest way.
Our God doesn't promise a smooth journey. 
In fact, He tells us that the whole world may be against us.
​
But I come back to my title questions...
Who cares?
(He does!)
What's the point?
(He is!)

...We can't stop it.
Or slow it down.
Or speed it up.
No matter what we are experiencing in life, 
time continues to pass at the same rate, day after day.
I think this is a blessing, even though we are rarely content in it.
But time creates memories.
It gives us things to look forward to.
It assures us that things will change when we're feeling stuck.
It teaches us when we look back at the past.
It heals hurts.

7 years back in time (as of yesterday), my Skyler was born.
Nearly two years ago, he closed his eyes, only to open them again in Heaven.
82 years ago, my Papa was born.
Just over a week ago, he opened his eyes to see his Creator. 

Time is funny like that.  
It doesn't always make sense to us.  
I believe there is no time in Heaven.
They are just there, and it's forever. 
For Skyler and Papa, they are Home.
We're still stuck in this land of time, so we look ahead.
We wonder when our turn will come. 
There is no way to know.
​But we can be ready.

Both my son and my grandpa blessed my life in big ways.  
With the passing of time, and the ability to look back, I am seeing how God has taught me in different ways, using His people as tools to do it.

Papa has an amazing legacy.  
He lived his life serving his Lord.
He wasn't perfect, but he carried the torch of his faith.
He left behind many who can continue.
He was one of the people who taught me about Jesus.
Especially in my preteen and early teenage years.
I remember him telling me stories,
sharing scripture,
inspiring me with his mission,
​and teaching me what having a personal faith really meant. 

Those are (almost) all of my cousins from my mom's side of the family, 
as well as about 1/3 of the great grandchildren.  
It was a privilege to get reacquainted with them,
as we gathered to remember and say goodbye to our dear grandpa.  
It was a bittersweet time, as death often is.  
That woman in the center of the photo...
that's my grandma.
She is one of the strongest people I know.
I can't imagine the things that time has brought to her,
​and the ways that God has taught her through it.

​
Looking back into the more recent past...
 this little boy.

He is the little boy who made me a mother.
The feeling of holding your first child in your arms is completely mind blowing.
There is truly know way to describe it.
But I think the things that happen in our hearts in the days and months and years that follow is even more amazing.
I had no idea what God would teach me through this sweet little life.
For me, becoming a mom showed me so many things.
How truly selfish I was.
How big my heart could grow without actually exploding.
How much control I gave to fear.
How easily priorities in life could get mixed up.
How much God truly sacrificed for His children. 
That I really didn't have as much patience as I once thought.
And that I didn't have child raising figured out after all.
How tightly we can hold on.
And how hard it is to let go.
On and on the list goes.

I am starting to see how little we actually know in this life.
God is shaping us and molding us through every experience.
He puts people in our life that teach us and challenge us.
Some of those things have been very hard.
Yet even through those things, I have seen His faithfulness.

Despite who I am.
Despite all of my mess ups.
Despite my stubbornness.

He is the patient Father.
His arms are always open.
His ears are always listening.
​
His LIFE has been given for ME. 
I believe.
I am thankful.

And because of all of this, 
I KNOW....
the little boy, who we celebrated yesterday...
the one who we miss with aching hearts...
who had a grin that would light up a room...
who has taught me so much...
I KNOW
I will see him again.

But how long? 
How many more days do I have to wait?
It doesn't matter.
Because He is faithful.
His promise is sure.
​And there is no time when we are talking about Forever.

Hold onto His promise.
Believe it and KNOW.

Homeschool.
A lifestyle, an experience, a process.
As we tip-toe into the environment of education and school age kids,
I am learning a lot about myself and my family in the process.
I know I told you that I would share more details about our homeschool journey with you, but I haven't been very good at that.
I decided to finally write a post and let you know where we're at,
what we've been using, and how we've been liking it.
This will likely get long, and only a handful of people will find it interesting, so feel free to click away if this isn't your thing. :)
I tend to get a little nerdy when it comes to details and researching and learning about new things.

I feel like education starts from the time kids are babies,
so in a way, we've been loosely 'homeschooling' for a long time already.
I started doing some workbooks and printables, along with more directed learning activities with my three oldest kids around age 3-4. 
Nothing formal at all, but things they would ask to do, and that they loved.
Rystin was about 4 when we made the decision that, for now,
learning at home was the path we would start out on.
And, as I do, I began to research, review products, ask questions, listen to podcasts and videos, read books, and on it goes.
There are many different homeschooling styles, from taking the typical public school routine and doing it at home, all the way to unschooling, where there is no formal schedule or planned learning involved.
We fall somewhere in the middle,
but I don't think we fit exactly into any one style. 
(Charlotte Mason, Classical, Montessori, Waldorf, Child-led, and so on).
I looked into a lot of different things that are out there, but honestly,
it's never ending, so that can be overwhelming. 
I sometimes wonder if I research TOO much, and if I'm better off just letting things flow as they happen naturally. 
But that's not who I am.
And I feel like right now, when we are just starting and learning,
and I have time to dig in a little deeper,I would like to see our options
and have a clear path of the direction we want to go. 
For our family, our Christian faith is the most important aspect of education.
I don't think that every single subject has to be taught in a religious centered perspective, but to have a Biblical base is the core of our home.

Rystin would beg me to 'do school' with him, so I felt like I should work with him, at his pace, and let him learn in a way that fit him.
I didn't really want to start an official 'Kindergarten' curriculum with him at 4, so we continued to use various workbooks that were at his level. 
I began to realize that most of those actually were K level, and he was hungry to learn more, as well as quickly growing tired of workbooks.

After looking at lots of different paths, as well as looking at the things
that I had collected through the years,
I came up with a rough plan for how to begin 'official' homeschool.
The above photos are some of the curriculum choices that we've used so far.
The 'My Father's World' style really appealed to me, so I eventually chose that to be our core, or the spine, of our studies.
Now, I use the word 'studies' loosely because at this point, Rystin was still only 4, and I wasn't sure about jumping into a full Kindergarten curriculum. 
I ordered the full K set (God's Creation from A-Z)
used from a Facebook page, and when I got it in the mail, we were so excited!
I could tell that, academically, Rystin would have no problem jumping into it.
I still hesitated knowing he was young to be starting K.
We finished up the workbooks he was doing, and at the end of August (4 months from turning 5) we started in.

Now you'll have to understand, that everything I share is not in a structured schedule.  I'm sharing with you the things we use, and how we do them, but it is not (by any means!) on a consistent routine.
Some things we're lucky to hit once a week, some things we do most days.
Don't look at this as the standard, just as some ideas or reviews of things that work (or don't work) for us when we do them.
We are approaching Kindergarten in a very relaxed way.
We do school most days if we're just hanging out at home, but if we have other plans during the day, it's no big deal to skip it.
We often skip!
If Rystin doesn't feel like doing it, we quit early.
If we're having fun, we add more in.
There are things we try to get to every time,
and there are things we only do occasionally.
If it takes us 2 years to get through K, I'm fine with that.
If we finish and we want to slowly start 1st grade, I'm fine with that.
We're pretty laid back around here,
even though it may appear very organized and planned. 
I'm not sure how else to share, other than to show you WHAT we use,
and HOW we use it. 
The WHEN we do it is pretty flexible. 

My Father's World (MFW) is considered a boxed, all-in-one curriculum that covers most essential topics needed (especially for lower grades).
Kindergarten is laid out in units, each unit teaching a letter, a topic, and a Biblical concept (as well as additional things added in here and there). 

For example:  Week 1: 'S' :: Sun :: Jesus is the Light of the World
Week 2:  'M' :: Moon  :: I am the Light of the World (reflecting Christ)
Week 3: 'L' :: Leaf ::  I will Live and Grow in Jesus

Each week includes a lesson plan that breaks everything up by topic,
into quick, easy days. I love the gentle approach!
The following pages include notes detailing how to do things,
or ideas for activities.
  It can be very structured, if you follow the lesson plans exactly. 
Or, if you're like us, you do what works for you, add other things,
and leave some things out.  It is a great starting point,
and I hope to use MFW in future grades as well. 
I love their scope and sequence and the priorities and
Biblical views that they hold.  So far, we have been loving it! 
Below are some pictures of the lesson plan and notes pages. 
The far right picture is just my own lesson plan book that I designed
to keep track of what we've done and what we've added, for future reference. 

One thing that I didn't expect, was that Vayah (3) would be sitting with us, learning almost everything right along with Rystin. 
It has made it fun, but also challenging in some ways, as she wants to also do all the pages and things that Rystin does that she isn't able to. 
Usually dollar store workbooks and things keep her happy during that time.
  It is neat that this curriculum is fun for many ages though!
Janae (1) also likes to be involved.
This is NOT easy.
School usually happens during her naptime!
I'm also learning that Rystin does better as far as learning new concepts, or tackling the more advanced things, when he's one on one with me. 
When needed, I have been trying to take turns give both him and Vayah a little time for 'just them' to work on things for their specific levels.

Not a lot of math is included in MFW-K.
Rystin has proven to enjoy numbers, so I'm in the process
of pulling some more math into our days.
I used the above printable workbook
(Math Lessons for a Living Education Book 1) to supplement at first. 
It is really neat, bring math to life through stories. 
Unfortunately, it's very slow moving, and he is past that. 
The books are no longer free, so I can't print the next one without buying it,
and I feel like he doesn't love working from it anyways.
For now, I'm going to work a little from the Easy Peasy website.
This is a free, online curriculum for k-12 that uses lots of
games and activities to teach concepts.
I also may buy a Life of Fred book to read with him.
We also sometimes use the Rod and Staff 'F' book for logic and hands on stuff.
MFW seems to have a decent phonics system, but occasionally we will read things from the Hooked on Phonics or A beka books that we have on hand.
Keep in mind that almost all of my supplies I've bought used (even found at second hand stores or garage sales) or had given to me by others.
Unfortunately, curriculum can be very expensive,
depending on which route you decide to take!

As far as HOW we homeschool...
well an ideal day (which rarely happens) would look something like this:
-Breakfast, dishes, getting dressed and ready for the day
-Memory Work (using the rotating notecard box pictured above... this is a blog post in and of itself.  I got the idea online and it has been amazing for us!)
Once Janae is napping...
(sometimes that's morning, sometimes it's closer to after lunch)
-Prayer and devotion
-Board work including calendar, number chart, etc (the upright board above)
-We'll then do the main things in the MFW lesson plan, sometimes more than one day worth, because they are very light.
-This typically includes a worksheet, some writing and/or phonics, an activity, and a Bible lesson.
-At this point I may find something else for Vayah to do and work on phonics or math with Rystin, switching them later to work on letters with Vayah.

That's about it!
We do art and science projects all together when that happens.
We often use youtube or other things online to learn more about the topics
we are studying, as well as library books.
We love to play educational games,
and our favorite lately has been Crazy A's.

I'm not a 'saver', so I often take photos of their projects and papers instead of keeping them all, as well as activities they do. 
I'll included them in a family album eventually (major to-do lists there!).
I shared a few of their pictures above. 
(hopefully it's not cutting them off funny like it's showing as I edit this!)

All in all, we are really enjoying this process.
So far, we are moving right along
and we may just finish the K program this year after all.
I realize we're still in the 'honeymoon' phase, and it WILL get much harder as things need to get more scheduled and consistent.
The love of learning will probably wear off a little.
(Some days we already see some poor attitudes about less desirable work).
I will probably get tired and more lazy.
But for now, we are having fun with where we are at,
and I'm learning right along with them!
I'm sure we will change and adjust a ton as the kids grow and our family dynamics change, but this is where we are for now.


You can teach them but you can't make them learn

And if you made it to the end, and you're still in the mood to read, I want to share this great article that a friend shared on FB today.
I'd recommend it for moms of any age!
What I'm Never Going to Tell You

This picture...

It really represents a lot to me.
I've been working on scrapbooking through Skyler's 5 years of life.
When I came across this picture tonight,
I was struck by the meaning that I felt behind it.
It was taken the summer before Skyler went Home.
I see innocence.
I see a sweet brother bond, where the bigger one helps out the smaller.
I see the flow of life, frozen in a still moment, before splashing to the ground.
I see transition, the place in between, where we spent almost two sweet years trying figure out what direction God wanted us to go. 
I see a solitude haven, where we were surrounded in a shelter of God's peace.
I see joy and sunshine and warmth and love.
I see holey jeans and diapers and bare little toes.
I see thirst, and blessings of relief.
I see contentment.

Those sweet things became hard to see for awhile.
And they often still seem far away.
Rystin turned 5 earlier this month.
That was a milestone that I dreaded a bit.
But this 'in-between' time, knowing he is so close to the age Skyler was the last time I saw him, has been a bit challenging. 
I hold on to Rystin a little tighter.
(Well, when he lets me!)
I feel that fear creeping up, and I battle to hold on,
instead of giving that fear to the One who controls all things.
The heaviness is close and I just want to hold that sweet little blond boy again.

But I look around and see a fallen world.
Today we went to the funeral of my husband's uncle.
Yesterday a teenage boy in our community was killed suddenly.
I know of many struggling with diseases and fighting so many battles.
I know it won't be over until the day He returns.
But I also know, the Victory is won!
As we heard today, Jesus is the Healer of the broken.
It is only through Him, that these hurts can be healed.

So when that warmth of the sunshine,
the contentment and joy,
the haven of rest seems so far away...
we can hold onto that Promise. 

HE HAS OVERCOME!