sharing from my heart to yours
A few days or so before Skyler died, he told me he loved me.
It was one of those random things...
I was making supper and he came in the kitchen and gave me a big hug
and said "I love you, Mommy!"
He told me he loved me once in awhile,
and we always said it to each other every night before bed,
but he wasn't the type of kid who told me real often on his own.
I'll always treasure that last time.
One of the things that Skyler and I used to do was play the 'I love you game'.
We would go back and forth and try to
'out-do' each other in how big our love was.
"I love you as high as the ceiling!"
"I love you as big as the house!"
"I love you as tall as the trees!"
And so on.
I don't recall who said it first,
(I want to say Skyler, but I can't remember for sure)
but eventually, the ultimate was always:
"I love you as high as Heaven!"
I still love you, Skyler.
As high as Heaven.
I always will.
Even through missing you,
I still will love you.
I'm so thankful you knew that.
And I'm thankful to know that you love me...
even "as high as Heaven, Mommy!"
I'm so blessed by all these little things, that have become big things in the end!
I started to realize that the tone of this blog was feeling a bit discouraging.
Ok, maybe not totally, because I realize it has been a place for me
(and maybe others) to be ENcouraged.
But I want you guys to understand that my life isn’t
completely consumed with loss.
Yes, it’s been a tough summer.
But I have been so blessed in ways that others have not, so I am thankful.
I have appreciated using this blog to share my feelings, and the journey through grief (and still will). But there's more to my life to share.
The little people in my life couldn’t get much sweeter!
They’ve had some challenges adjusting, especially Rystin.
I could share some heartbreaking stories of some
of the things he has gone through.
Maybe someday I will. But not now.
Right now, let’s focus on the smiles and laughter, the happiness and joy.
Kids are amazing when it comes to change and acceptance.
They are told something, they take it as truth, and keep on living.
If only we could truly have the ‘faith of a child’ in all circumstances of life!
It has been so neat watching the way
Rystin and Vayah have bonded this summer.
Rystin has been forced to find a new best friend,
and Vayah is just getting old enough to fit the bill.
They know how to fight like cats and dogs,
but then there are the times that they just connect.
Skyler and Rystin fought some, but overall, there wasn’t a lot of drama.
2 year old girls? Yup. There’s drama!
It hurts me deep to know that my little boy doesn’t have a big brother to wrestle with, to do boy stuff with, and to look after him anymore.
They had such different personalities, but were together all the time.
It has been interesting to see Rystin stepping into the ‘biggest brother shoes’.
His first choice for footwear has been Skyler’s shoes.
He goes for Skyer’s basket before his own a lot of the time.
They’re floppy and clumsy, but he knows what he wants.
He’s thrilled to be able to use his big brothers stuff,
and has commented about how he can have them now.
Not in a way that he got a cool present,
but in the ‘I want to be like him’ kind of way.
Anyways… we weren’t going there. ;)
Yup. This little girl has brought us a lot of that!
She’s been a bit more of a needy baby at times,
but is getting better as she grows.
She sleeps amazingly (typically 9-10 hours straight!!),
so that has been such a blessing!
We have realized how important sleep is in all of our lives right now.
The struggles are so much harder when we’ve been lacking in that essential.
It has been so hard to understand how life can just keep going.
We lost our firstborn son, one of the brightest rays of sunshine I know.
And yet, our day to day lives don’t look that different.
We get up and greet the day, doing all of the same things we did before.
The empty spot at the table is becoming ‘normal’. The days filled with sorrow are fewer.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a hole, we still hurt, we still cry.
But when I look at our life overall, we’re happy!
We are able to keep living, keep doing the things we need to do.
Things we enjoy still bring us good feelings.
We can still run and play, laugh and tease, rest and relax,
pray and praise, work and live.
I never thought I’d be able to do those things the same way again.
But we’re still living.
Living in a more normal way than I thought possible.
So for those of you who don’t know my family well, let me introduce us.
These are the rays of sunshine that have kept us going.
These little people are the light in our dark days.
My sweet little boy.
The boy who is stepping up to take on the ‘oldest child’ role.
The boy who loves to laugh and tease.
The one who has quiet moments and tears,
and feels things most people ten times his age have never felt.
His white, curly blond hair and sparkling blue eyes makes everyone smile.
He is energetic and loves to be on the go.
He's patient and detailed, he'll work on things until he can figure them out.
I’m secretly excited about his little freckles that are starting to show up.
I love this boy like crazy!
My fiery little girl.
The girl I never realized how much I wanted until
she was in my arms for the first time.
The girl who turned our world around and keeps us on our toes.
The one who can brighten a room with her smile,
and make everyone laugh at her crazy antics.
Her dramatic two year old ways are all over the place!
She is independent, but loves to snuggle.
She’s determined, but oh so sweet.
She remembers her biggest brother,
but is young enough not to show a lot of response.
It’s been so fun to watch her grow and learn, and I love to imagine all the things we’ll do together.
I love this girl like crazy!
My baby girl.
The girl who brought us hope in the midst of heartache.
The girl who has kept me going,
needing a mommy who needs her to hold and snuggle.
The one who can melt your heart with one little coo.
Her jabbering and smiles make the dark days brighter.
She loves to tuck her face in my neck and sleep,
breathing warm little sighs in to my ear.
She’s active and alert, always checking out the world
like she’s ready to jump right in.
We have needed this girl so much, and have been so blessed by her joining our family during our deepest hurt.
It is so neat to think of my girls being sisters and friends.
I love this girl like crazy!
Seeing these rays of sunshine, it’s not so hard to see why we can keep going.
God has taken one of them home, and the world got a little dimmer.
But He has blessed us with three other little joys,
who need our love and attention.
This earth may never be as bright as it was, but Heaven got that much brighter!
Our mission here is that much clearer.
Our desire for our final Home that much stronger.
One day, our sunshine will be full again, under the light of the true Son!
We can keep going, because He has blessed us.
We’ll carry on as He carries us.
I have so many more thoughts to share about our story,
but I wanted to show you what brightened our summer.
The bus drove past our house today,
it didn't even slow down.
Cuz the little boy that should be here,
is now wearing his crown.
He had been so excited,
looked forward to that day.
Little did we know,
he wasn't here to stay.
The place he went is better
than anything he'd thought.
And he's learning so much more
than any teacher could have taught.
I see so many photos
of other kids' first day.
My heart breaks as I think
how my sweet boy went away.
I miss him in a way so deep,
and many days I'm sad.
But it makes my heart rejoice
to know his heart is glad.
I'm thankful for the years we had,
though they seemed too short.
I wait for the glorious day
when we'll meet again in Heaven's Court!
I'll love you forever little man!
Hello and Welcome!