Vacation?

vacation
[vey-key-shuh]
noun
1. a period of suspension of work, study, or other activity,
usually used for rest, recreation, or travel; recess or holiday


Just a couple of days ago, my family got back from a lovely vacation
south to visit family and to 'get away'.
We had a good time getting to know some of our relatives a little better, and seeing people that we haven't seen in a very long time.
We stayed busy, went to some fun places, and soaked up some warm temps and sunshine that we were needing after the subzero climate of the Midwest!

The kids had a blast with their cousins and all the new experiences!
I did notice a missing little person while we were gone though.
The above definition of 'vacation' can apply to many things, but not to grief.  Not to missing somebody or being lonely. 
Not to the road of living after loss.

I knew that before we left, but being away from home for two weeks brought some unexpected feelings along with it.
As our trip neared the end, I felt a lot more sadness that
Skyler wasn't there to enjoy it with us.
But the thought that really got me was
that he also won't be at home when we get back.

As I said, we had a wonderful trip.
But you can't escape loss.
You can't take a break from this journey.
Oh how I wish you could.
Even for just one day.

But what would that mean?
Would it mean forgetting that Skyler ever was here?
I think that is the only way I could ever truly take a break.
I don't ever want to forget.

A bit ago I went to tuck my two year old back into her bed, and as I walked by my boys' bedroom, there was still only one boy snuggled on his pillow.
As the weather has gotten nicer and the kids have been enjoying playing outside, there is still only one boy hunting for mud boots
and stomping in puddles.
Vacation didn't change that.

Last year at this time, I had two boys that were thrilled to go
outside as the snow melted and spring approached. 
Winter is ending and spring is near.
My heart leaps at the new life.
My heart aches at the lost life.
I enjoy the sunshine on my face.
I long to hold the sunshine who first lit my world.

I miss my boy.
I hate that he is gone.
Has it gotten easier? Some days yes... but often no.
He's still gone.

I can only imagine the Light that Skyler saw when he opened his eyes for the first time There, after he closed them for the last time here.
The Son that he is living in is SO much brighter than the sun we enjoy now.
Though death can be complicated and confusing and messy for us,
I know that for Skyler, that same instant
was eternal joy and awe and freedom. 

We try to pick up the pieces and live life again,
knowing it will never be the same.
And while we live, while we fulfill God's purpose for us,
we wait for the day when our work here is done, and we can bask in that same Sonlight that our sweet son is glorying in even now.

His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things:
enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
Matthew 25:23

Well done, Skyler. 
You lived an amazing life!