A Jumbled List and a Message

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  I still have plenty of things to share.  Because my thoughts are all mixed up and jumbled today, I’m going to give you them in list form.  A few random bits in no particular order…

-You never expect your family to shrink.  Growing and multiplying, yes.  It’s not supposed to get smaller.  I can’t even explain the feeling of going from three kids to only two.  Looking at Rystin and Vayah and thinking “these are ALL of my kids now!”.  So so wrong.  When I had Janae, it helped a little, but it still felt like there should be four.  She was my fourth baby… someone was still missing.  It was only for 6 weeks that I went back down to two kids, but it will be forever that there’s one still gone. I still have that feeling that I'm missing one when we’re not at home and I’m trying to keep track of them all.  Will it always be?

-It also feels like I’ve gone backward in time. My oldest was learning how to write and spell. Now my oldest is only just learning his letters and numbers.  .  My oldest used to be able to help buckle himself and his brother into the car.  Now my oldest just figured out his own buckle.  My oldest used to be able to help gather clothes, shoes, and coats for the family.  Now my oldest struggles to get himself dressed some days.  And on and on it goes.  I have to continuously remind myself that my oldest is 3, not 5.  I cannot expect the same things from him that I could of his brother, who was two years older.

-The above quote is only half true.  At this point, I cannot say that missing Skyler has gotten easier.  Actually, I think as reality has settled in, and he seems further away, it has been harder now.  But I do find it comforting to think that I’m one day closer to seeing him again, instead of thinking that I’m one day further away from him. It’s a scary thing to think that the memories of your own child may fade away.

-Being busy helps.  I never have been one to love things to be crazy all the time.  I like routine and schedules.  I like knowing what is coming and planning ahead for it.  The last 6 months have been completely upside down and very busy.  God must know that’s what I’ve needed.  Now as winter settles in and we don’t have plans every day, I am seeing how much better we do when we’re busy.  Maybe in the long run that isn’t good.  I know we need the time to think, process, grieve, and grow.  But being around other people still helps.

-I still can’t believe that Skyler has been gone for over half a year.  It is sometimes so hard still to comprehend that it’s even true, much less to think that we have survived the way we have for this long without him.  I have been around a nephew lately who was born two days before Skyler.  That’s been tough in some ways, neat in others.  He seems so tall and grown up.  Would Skyler be that tall after 6 months of growing? What would he act like? Reminding myself again that Skyler’s plan never went that far.  He was only meant to be here for 5 years.

-Sometimes life gets discouraging.  I see my own pain and sorrow.  I see so many others hurting in similar or very different situations.  I see the way the world is living. But I know that God is still in control.  He is lifting up His children and holding them close.  He still has a mission for us.  There are so many out there who don’t know Him, and need this hope.

And one quick story to share...

Awhile back we were looking into what we wanted on Skyler’s headstone.  (Something that just isn’t right to have to figure out!)  Because I enjoy design, and wanted it to be more personal, I told the company that I would come up with something and email them what we wanted on the stone.  I did a quick google search to get some ideas, as well as images we could use. It didn’t take long and I found this…

Yes.  There is no doubt that that little boy could be Skyler.  I loved the picture, and when Rystin saw it he was SO excited.  We decided to use this image, so I included it in my design and sent it off. Later, the man we were communicating with asked if I had a clearer copy of the picture.  I didn’t, but told him I would go back to the site and see if I could get it in a bigger file size. After much google searching, trying many various key words, and going back to my browser history, I’ve never been able to find the picture again.  They were still able to use this copy for the headstone, so that wasn’t a problem. 
But for me, it feels like it’s a picture just for us, of our little boy with Jesus.  

Praise the Lord, they truly are together for eternity!!
Oh what a day that will be, when we can all join them there!


Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope,
through the power of the Holy Ghost.
Romans 15:13