Whispers of Joy
  • Whispers Of Joy
  • Shop MnJdesigns
  • Shop Usborne
  • Social Media
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
  • Contact Me
sharing from my heart to yours

A Joy Down in my Heart

1/14/2015

5 Comments

 
The other day, I had a day full of joy.
The sun was shining, the kids were (mostly) happy,
I felt renewed and refreshed.
It's not the first time I've felt joy in the last 8 months, in fact,
I really do feel it often.
I have a friend (who knows who she is, :]  ) who might think this is a 'pretty words' kind of post, where I tell you all about how I can keep on living because God is carrying me, even through my pain.
Those things are true, for sure. 
But really, I'm giving you on honest look at my heart.
Picture
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/272538214921669520/
Now, don't get me wrong, grief is ugly (very ugly),
but it's not the end of the world.
Though many days, I wish it was!
How much easier it would be, to have Christ come and bring us all home, than to have to deal with this heartache each and every day.
Yes, it's always there, even on the good days.
But you know what, joy is too.
Even on the bad days.
Rarely do I have a day that is just ALL difficult.
There are tough days, where it feel like I could just curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day long.  I want to go to the cemetery and pull my sweet boy from his grave, even though I know he's not really there. I want to rewind and just hold him and hear him laugh again.
 But even on those days, there is joy.
Joy because of the peace in my heart.
Peace because of the joy that Skyler has forever.
Both joy and peace because I'll have that too, even though I'd often prefer sooner than later.
 
I've said before, I'm SOO thankful for my three other little blessings.
They keep me going, they remind me of what I'm here for.
They give me a purpose each morning and a reason to get out of bed.

The other day, the one when I felt so much joy, it was mostly because of them.
And I had to laugh, because as I was writing this post in my head that day, Rystin and Vayah were singing
"I have a joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart!"
(and no, as far as I know, I had said nothing out loud about joy!)
Then, ironically, they started arguing about WHO had the joy in their heart.
:)

I have been doing some preschool work with Rystin.
He is a bit of a perfectionist.
He has more patience than any kid (or anyone!) I know when it comes to working on things. He can do a 100 piece puzzle all by himself without much trouble, and has loved puzzles since before he turned two.
He has been interested in writing lately, but struggles when he can't get it right.  That day, it connected with him and he figured out how to (mostly) write all the letters in his name!
Picture
The top line I helped him a tiny bit with two letters, the next line with one, and the last line he did by himself. He was SO proud, and so was I.
And Skyler would be too!
And these are the moments that I'm reminded of joy.

This boy turned 4 just last week. He reminded me of Skyler in the way that he was SO excited for his birthday (as most little boys) and talked about it for months until it came.
As a typical mom, I'm proud of my kids. I love them beyond words, and they are the coolest things that exist (except the days you want to hide out in the bathroom because you're going crazy! ha).  I was SO proud of Skyler and thought no other kid compared (even though I knew that every mom thought that... but really... mine was the best right!? haha).  I've felt that love about all of my kids, but that first born just
amazes you with what they teach you as a parent. 
I feel like I'm getting to know Rystin on such a different, new level
 And I'm feeling that pride all over again.
This boy has gone through so much.
I've watched him walk through so many emotions and listened to him tell me the things on his broken heart.  This is also a gift, as he is NOT the type to share his feelings easily.  He is learning, and the moments have been brief.
He is by no means done with grief, and neither are we.
Though my heart has been happy to hear him TRULY laugh again, when I hadn't even realized it was missing, I also know there will still be tears.
That is grief.
Days more filled with joy than pain.
Days more filled with pain than joy.
Both are real.
And the pain isn't going away any time soon.
The day following my 'joy day' was a harder day.
As the months pass and Skyler becomes more distant, people start to forget,
or think things are fine now.
We don't forget.  Things aren't fine.
But I know that is the way this goes. 
Also, I want to point at that people haven't forgotten.  This holiday season we were so blessed by many of you who remembered us and our son through one of the most difficult months of our lives.
Thank you.

December was rough. 
I think we could have skipped Christmas this year and been fine with it.
Again, thanks to the kids, we had to push through it, and even enjoy it, to the best of our ability.
And we did. 
Sometimes the days that the pain hits is surprising.
Sometimes it doesn't hit when you thought it would.
But there was a HUGE hole this Christmas.
I'm glad we didn't skip it, because it would make next year harder than it already will be.
I have been very relieved to have December over, but also was torn about starting a new year without Skyler in it. 
You can't stop time, and the days keep rolling by.
One day closer to Skyler.
One year closer to Heaven.

Praying we can keep focusing on those little
'whispers of joy'.
Picture
5 Comments
Abigail Spaulding
1/14/2015 08:07:53 am

Huge hugs to you and yours, sweet mama!
Love and God's Peace, Abby

Reply
Colleen
1/14/2015 09:50:06 am

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts! You are gifted in writing! You are definetly not forgotten. You are in my thoughts and prayers often, along with so many others who are missing loved ones! May the Lord hold you close, always!! <3

Reply
Mom
1/16/2015 03:01:05 am

Keep pressing on my dear! You are an amazing inspiration to many and a huge blessing to us ...so grateful (and proud) to call you daughter! Love you so much!

Reply
Rachel
1/18/2015 04:01:52 am

Rystin is just too cute!! Loved reading about who he is becoming. You sure have a way with words:) makes me feel like I know him well even though I don't get to see you guys very often:( I'm happy to read about days of joy also. I know from my experience grief is ugly and don't think I ever forget you guys!! I think and pray for you often and when I walk by my picture of skylers smiling face it's hard not to cry. My mommy heart just wishes you could hug him and hear his sweet voice. I also pray you can continue to be your awesome mommy self to your other children! As they grow older they will eventually realize how amazing their parents and even though they were hurting they still tried their best to give them happy childhood memories. I know everyone reacts differently to death so I'm SUPER thankful to God that He is allowing you days of joy and realizing you have three beautiful blessings still here with you! We will continue to pray for you all!! Love you much!

Reply
Lisbeth
1/19/2015 02:34:53 pm

Thank you for writing this Molly. Maybe you have heard this from many but I want to say it too: you have a gift for expressing things in words. I can totally relate to how you and your family feels day in and out. I think I cry many times a day some weeks or once a day. Sometimes I bury my face in my Moms pajamas and sob. Sometimes I just walk in the kitchen and say "Mom!" And will her to walk out of her bedroom bright as daylight and say "you ready to go ?!" But she never does. It's soo hard! But with that is Gods comfort and his promises and also the joy of life - thank you for sharing and for being brave even though you have to be ! With love and understanding~ Lis

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Shop
    Picture

    Molly Joy

    Hello and Welcome!
      I am a mommy who enjoys creating things that make other mommies' lives a little easier! I have four darling little blessings (including one in Heaven),
    and a wonderful, supportive husband. We strive to live for the God who created us and give all glory and praise to
    Jesus Christ, our Savior!

    Picture
    Skyler- Eternally Loved - Eternally Home April 2009-May 2014
    Picture
    Rystin
    Picture
    Vayah
    Picture
    Janae
    Picture
    Raylee

    Categories

    All
    Christian Inspiration
    Events
    Every Day Life
    Giveaways
    Grief
    Hats
    Homeschool
    Pinterest Finds
    Products
    Projects
    Updates
    Whispers Of Joy Tidbits
    Year In Color

    Archives

    December 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    July 2016
    April 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    October 2015
    September 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009
    September 2009

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Whispers Of Joy
  • Shop MnJdesigns
  • Shop Usborne
  • Social Media
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
  • Contact Me