It's been 15 weeks since we said goodbye.
Most days I still feel numb and in shock.
Then come the days where the hurt breaks through in full force.
Today was one of those days.
We miss him.
I used to say that I didn't know what I would do without him.
Now I know.
Or maybe I don't... it's too hard to look ahead.
It's just one day at a time, taking in the blessings we're still being filled with.
About a week before Skyler died, I was reading a fictional book. It was about a woman who lost her blond haired, blue eyed, 5 year old boy in an accident.
The book was about how she faced life and dealt with the grief.
I have to read at night before I can fall asleep.
That is what I read every night the week before he died. I went to sleep imagining how I would deal with it. What it would be like to lose my Skyler.
The morning he died, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't a great book anyways, and certainly not something I wanted to fall asleep to every night! I brought it back to the library when I brought the kids there that afternoon. We came home and then it was chore time.
Skyler never came back.
I found out what it was like to lose your
blond haired, blue eyed, 5 year old boy.
was God preparing my heart for the loss of my own son?
My husband and parents also had experiences or feelings of coming sadness.
Of course God knew this would happen.
Skyler was only meant to be here 5 years. It was time for him to go.
He blessed us with his life in ways nobody can understand.
I could talk about the person he was, the things he did, the faith he had for hours. But I don' t think that's the point. There's something bigger than our sweet Skyler going on here. He has received his reward. He is happier than he ever has been, his smile bigger than we ever saw it.
Now it's about us. How we live, what we learn, where we go from here.
Will others see the Truth, through Skyler's death?
Will Christ be glorified and proclaimed by all of those who mourn?
So really...now it's about Christ.
I have never felt as close to our Savior as I have during this time.
It has been 15 weeks since Skyler died, and I have had TWO days since then that I haven't seen anyone outside of our own family (as in the 4, or now 5, of us)!!
Before, I was always more of a home body type. If we had plans for more than 2-3 days in a week, I'd start to get stressed out.
The last 3 months have been completely and fully filled with things EVERY day. And I've been ok with it. Some days it would be after supper and I'd think, maybe today will be the first day we don't see anyone all day...and someone would pull in the driveway at 8:00 at night! Family from the west coast has been here for a total of 8 of weeks, at different times. What a blessing!
God truly knows what we need, even when we don't know ourselves!
All those fears that I had about losing a child... they were real! And they haven't gone away still. But I have learned a little about faith in God's promise.
HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US.
He has been here, holding us up in his gracious hands, blessing us in SO many amazing ways. Do the blessings outweigh the loss? I don't know if I'll ever be able to say that in this life, but someday, we'll know the reasons.
And our biggest comfort?
He hasn't left our Skyler either!!
May the day come soon that we can ALL join Him in that Perfect Place!
Keep praying for us as we face these tough days, and thank you for blessing us in the ways that you have!